Jan. 1st. [sort of]

it's hard to believe that i haven't written in this thing in OVER 6 months. it's been a longggg fucking time... so much has changed. i've fucking changed.

it's the start of a new year... and things (some things) seem better than ever. i have a boyfriend, who adores me and likewise i adore him. but i'm still so unhappy with myself... 6 months of therapy haven't been able to do shit about that. countless boys who liked me as i am, didn't do shit. i'm starting to think that i'm hopeless.

i officially feel disgusting. and i'm going to have to do something about that.

Hmmmm, once again it was like a million days in between posts. yeah, i pretty much ROCK at life... not....

hmmm, let's see... i've been doing super good... not even on purpose. i just haven't really been eating... and works been busy so i've been getting excercise and I actually went to the gym for like an hour yesterday... :) And the PROZAC is working wonders I'm happier... but I don't know if I like it really... it just feels... it just feels... fake... i dunno... i love the fact that i don't ever eat... and that  makes me so happy... but I also wish that i could be happy without the fucked up-ness about eating... but then again i'm also refusing to talk about it to my therapist... Well I guess I was like , "Yeah, ever since I started on the meds, I never ever eat" and she was just like "don't do that it slows down your metabolism" and that was the end of that. meh. I can feel the ED-ness setting in once again though, because i'm getting hard critically on my body again... and I don't want to go out and do stuff because I just feel fat... and i hate that... but then again i'm happier because of the prozac. it's just so fucked up....

i'm honestly doing SO well with eating though... :)))))

Comments have all officially been return-in exceptian of yesterdays... which I am getting to right now... Thank you so much for the comments and whatnot.

Yeah, I'm really happy to be getting some therapy and whatever, except I'm not getting it for my ed-like tendencies. I haven't even told her that I either Binge or don't eat. I refuse to talk about that... I refuse. because I still don't want to give that up as an option. ::shrugs::

I hate it when people talk about like fat people around me... It makes me uncomfortable. because don't they think it rude to talk about my fellow fat people? I mean honestly? I mean, I'm not a skinny girl. I'm not a skinny "fat" girl. haha if that makes sense.

Oh and the Prozac- it definitely makes me more happy, but that also has made me think again about what I'm eating cause I'm scared about putting more weight on... And it makes me super super tired... And I have to take it in the morning so I'm tired alll fucking daying...

intake so far: a yogurt- 110 calories- I know i know why didn't i just have like a 45 calories one- grrrrr!

it's been sooo sooo long...

i've started talking to a therapist.

I'm being put on anti-deppressants (prozac- possible weight GAIN gaaaaah) but then also this other drug that the average person that took it lost 26 pounds... so we'll see...

i don't know. i'll try and comment everyone back, but that's like 30 comments and I don't know if I have it in meee!

just woke up. orange- 50 calories... and then i have a starbucks date with an- so 15 calories.

must stay strong today, must stay strong!!!